Why am I doing this again?

I know this will be lame but I am already borrowing from another blogger, Kelle Hampton of www.kellehampton.com. (If you haven't been to her blog GO.RIGHT.NOW) She does something which she calls a steam of consciousness post, I just call it brain fart. This is probably why her blog gets millions of hits and this blog gets none. :P So here goes

.....It is Tuesday afternoon at 1:24 pm and while I am listening to Max rustle around trying to nap and am surrounded by cracker crumbs and half eaten grapes I am struck by how different my life has become from just a few months ago.

At 1:30 pm on a Tuesday in what I will call Pre-Quit or "PQ" days I would have been in one of two places, either wrapping up a lunch at a restaurant that serves lychee martinis,bison burgers, and gluten free pasts or at my desk wrapping up conference calls with VP's and/or media personalities of companies whose names rhyme with Boogle and CaseCook. This was the life that I thought I had always wanted where people needed me at meetings and wanted to hear what I thought about things. I had the BlackBerry buzzing from 7am - 7pm (and beyond) and a blonde blue eyed toddler at home so what was the problem you say?

The problem was I was utterly miserable, when I was at work I wanted to be with Max and wondered what he was doing and when I was at home, I was always thinking about deadlines and rushing him off to bed so I could check emails and/or finish up that last report. I woke up running and to-do lists buzzing in my head, rush to work in horrific traffic work all day,fight the rest of the surburbanites for that spot in the fast lane, arrive home to a harried husband and a whiny toddler who only wanted to be with me even though I had dinner to make, laundry to do, and that email sent by a 22 year old client eager to prove himself to his boss by staying at work till all hours and needing my attention and work to do so. I couldn't do it anymore so here I am sitting at home

So now, I am trying to rationalize what it is exactly what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I have never not had it planned out. I have always known what my next step would be. High School, University, First Job, Second Job, Find Boy, Get Married, Have Baby, Take Mat Leave, Go Back to Work and back on the corporate ladder. So with my latest move I have completely fallen off the ladder so now what?

Really now what? I have been doing my job so long that I don't even know what I am good at anymore. How does someone start over in their mid-thirties? No really I am looking for suggestions...anyone?

Sigh, to be continued the babe is calling.....